Category Archives: The Flop House

A Great Line of Dialogue, Beautifully Delivered

The Flophouse regulars – Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, Stuart Wellington – go in-depth with a lost classic, Tango & Cash on “Episode #100” of the show. We join our heroes as they discuss the attempts of the two cops to break out of the prison in which they’ve been placed for crimes they didn’t commit, the helpless puppets of the criminal rajah played by Jack Palance. They’ve just avoided being killed while in jail, the kingpin looking on before vanishing from the scene with the ease of a vampire:

ELLIOTT
And then suddenly the guards rush in, right, and save them.

STUART
Right. And then Jack Palance and his cockney crony disappear into the mist.

ELLIOTT
They escape, by basically stepping behind laundry machines and disappearing.

DAN
Yeah, well, that’s why you have your big brawl in a laundry room. You don’t need smoke bombs there, there’s just so much steam from the laundry machines.

STUART
It’s a natural product of a late night laundry room.

ELLIOTT
I think that was the original title for Midnight Meat Train. It was Late Night Laundry Room.

STUART
It didn’t go over too well. Bradley Cooper vetoed it.

ELLIOTT
(a pitch perfect imitation of Bradley Cooper): “Wouldn’t it be scarier if it were on a train, a train full of meat, at midnight?” “Yeah, okay.”

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

STUART
So, then they talk about some other bullshit, and they meet Cash’s friend…

ELLIOTT
They meet Cash’s friend, the assistant warden, who’s going to help them escape. Tango says-

STUART
They haven’t even gotten out of prison yet, and we’ve been talking about this forever.

ELLIOTT
Yeah.

STUART
We wanna go over every intricate element of Tango & Cash, don’t we?

ELLIOTT
We’ll go through it a little faster. Tango doesn’t trust this guy, Cash does. Cash tries to escape, he gets caught. A bunch of the evil guards being led by Robert Zadar, “Big Face”, chase after him through huge turbines, and…this is a prison that has all these things that it doesn’t make sense why a prison would have them?

DAN
Yeah.

ELLIOTT
Such as huge turbine rooms?

DAN
This is another example of this movie being made by people who have only seen movies. “Oh, it would be cool if a prison had a big fucking fan in it.”

ELLIOTT
They’re like, “Lets have an escape through a building. Okay, what do buildings have in them, so we can build this escape? Well, we know from the movies we’ve seen that buildings have giant turbines; they have big basements full of steam and not that much else; uh, they’ve got-”

STUART
Tunnels.

ELLIOTT
They’ve got tunnels.

DAN
Always with water dripping through it.

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

ELLIOTT
It’s always raining in buildings, all the time. There’s-

STUART
Some kind of a zipline?

ELLIOTT
Electric powerlines that you can zipline across. Anyway, so, short story long story short, they escape, in the escape attempt they get beat up a lot, and Robert Zadar is electrocuted, while attacking Sylvester Stallone with a grappling hook?

STUART
Yup.

DAN
That he got somewhere.

STUART
He does not come back to life like Ernest, and Ernest Goes to Jail.

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

ELLIOTT
He doesn’t get electricity powers, is that what you’re saying?

STUART
He does not, he just gets electrocuted and dies, like a normal human being.

ELLIOTT
He doesn’t turn into the electric gremlin from Gremlins 2 and get stuck in a phone?

STUART
Nope. He’s just a dead hunk of meat.

ELLIOTT
He doesn’t get brought back to life by the electricity to become super-alive?

STUART
I mean…that might happen, but they don’t actually-

ELLIOTT
It’s not like in-

DAN
What about the movie Shocker? Is it anything like that?

STUART
Uh…you mean the start of a failed horror franchise? Yes, it is.

ELLIOTT
Is it like Friday the 13th when Jason has that pole in his chest and the lightning hits it and brings him back to life?

STUART
Uh…once again, that might happen, but it happens off-camera.

ELLIOTT
So, when I write my “The Jaw” fan-fiction, because the character is called “The Jaw”, maybe that’s how I’ll bring him back.

STUART
Yeah, I mean, of course. He blasts his way out of the Sarlac pit.

ELLIOTT
Yeah. And his last line as he dies is “TANGOOOOOOO!” Which is great. So they escape, they’re running through the streets of LA, they don’t know what to do, Cash goes to meet up with Tango’s…turns out to be his sister, Teri Hatcher, who dances at the Cleopatra club.

DAN
Also in front of a giant fan.

ELLIOTT
Yes. It’s like the set for SNL, for the musical guests, like it used to be. And to escape from there, Kurt Russell has to briefly walk through a room full of topless women, then dress like a woman, and get out. He’s almost stopped by a horny cop; who is distracted by Teri Hatcher and then comes on to Kurt Russell.

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

ELLIOTT
Uh, meanwhile Sylvester Stallone goes to the head of the police, or something?

DAN
(exasperated with the plot dynamics) I dunno.

ELLIOTT
One of the crooked cops who is high up on the force. He has the best line of the movie, in my opinion, which is: the crooked cop is pulling some cold spaghetti, a bowl of cold pasta out of the refrigerator…

STUART
Yeah, for a nosh or something.

ELLIOTT
Closes the fridge door, Sylvester Stallone is right there with a gun, and he says (the following is a pitch-perfect imitation of the actor): “Well, it’s clear from your diet you’re not counting your calories…you must be too busy COUNTING THE MONEY THEY PAID YOU TO SET US UP!” Beautifully written, beautifully delivered. Sylvester Stallone learns a little bit from him before that guy blows up.

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

(All images copyright Warner Bros.)

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What if Penny Met a Dinosaur?

From “The Flop House” podcast episode, “The Third Annual Academy Awards Floptacular”, featuring the regulars, Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, and Stuart Wellington:

DAN
So, normally now we would do some recommendations, but I had an off-topic story I wanted to tell-

ELLIOTT
Well, I’m sold.

DAN
Did one of you have an off-topic story you wanted to tell?

STUART
I’d like to hear more.

DAN
I feel like one of you had a story you wanted to tell.

ELLIOTT
Stuart, you wanted to talk about previews?

STUART
Yeah, I feel like I’ve already burnt myself out.

ELLIOTT
Basically came down to complaining about Sucker Punch.

STUART
Yeah. I will not Sucker that Punch.

DAN
I wanted to tell you guys a story about the Internet.

STUART
O-kay.

DAN
So…

STUART
You discovered internet pornography again?

ELLIOTT
Again.

DAN
I have that Memento disease.

STUART
He had Men in Black-itis.

ELLIOTT
I call it Memento’s disease. The same disease Memento had.

DAN
I’ve tattooed on my body, “Porn: try the Internet.” I’m excited every time I see it…I was chatting with my brother on gmail chat. And the subject of Inspector Gadget came up.

ELLIOTT
This is off-topic.

DAN
Because my brother is as obsessed with childish things as I am. And he’s older than I am.

ELLIOTT
So you figure as long as he’s doing it, it’s okay for you to keep doing it too?

DAN
Yeah. As long as we maintain the same relationship between our ages, it’s fine.

ELLIOTT
One of you better not go into space.

DAN
But my brother brought up how much he always liked the score to Inspector Gadget, and I had waves of nostalgia come over me, I go to youtube, I look at some Inspector Gadget related videos on youtube-

ELLIOTT
Porn.

DAN
And I scroll down to the comments section, and one comment on one of the Inspector Gadget videos catches my eye. And it says simply, “what if penny met a dinosaur?” All in small letters. There was something sort of plaintive about it, caught my eye, I found it particularly beguiling…

STUART
“Is there anybody listening to me here?”

DAN
“what if penny met a dinosaur?”

ELLIOTT
My message in a bottle.

DAN
My question will never be answered, by canonical Inspector Gadget.

ELLIOTT
Certainly not by DiC…the animation studio that did Inspector Gadget.

DAN
So…I actually posted about this on Facebook. I posted about the “what if penny met a dinosaur?” comment on Facebook. A firestorm of Inspector Gadget commentary erupts. My friend Kelly says, she thinks if you plug the phrase “what if penny met a dinosaur?” into the internet, you would reach the end of the internet. And so I actually googled this; I googled “what if penny met a dinosaur?”

ELLIOTT
Your job, really, absorbs you. You get full satisfaction from it.

STUART
Well, there comes a point when a job becomes a career, Elliott. It’s called the terminus-ess, if you will.

DAN
So…following this train, it’s like All the President’s Men, I’m following the money, but I’m following-

ELLIOTT
You’re following the Penny.

STUART
The Money Train.

DAN
I click on another link google coughs up for me, and it appears to be some sort of bondage inflected illustration of an older Penny. What’s the rule, if it exists, there’s pornography related to it? It’s like Rule #34.

ELLIOTT
Yeah, I think Socrates came up with that.

DAN
No, this is like an internet meme. If it exists, there’s pornography – But there’s a bondage themed photo, and I scroll down wondering why –

STUART
It’s now a photo?

DAN
Not a photo. Sorry. It’s an illustration.

ELLIOTT
What drawing style, Ashcan school?

DAN
I don’t know. It’s an older Penny, tied up. I scroll down to the comments section of this…

ELLIOTT
Because of course this has comments as well.

DAN
And in the comments, someone says, “what if penny met a dinosaur?”

ELLIOTT
So, what you thought was an adorable, plaintive cry, turns out was a request for bondage themed bestiality porn.

DAN
Possibly. I go back to the google search. I click on the next one down. Same site. A less disturbing picture, illustration of Penny…

ELLIOTT
Thank goodness. She’s doing better.

DAN
I scroll down the comments. Again: “what if penny met a dinosaur?” So, now I’m intrigued by this guy. I click on this guy’s user-

ELLIOTT
You are bordering dangerously close to an obsession that will lead you to a web of deceit. And seduction.

DAN
It’s gonna lead me to Fear dot com.

STUART
Nah, I like the seduction angle.

DAN
I click on this guy’s user name, and I find-

STUART
Love Games. Starring Dan.

DAN
I click on this guy’s username, and I get this message that says: “This user has been permanently banned from this site.”

ELLIOTT
Wow.

DAN
For, I’m guessing, asking too much about Penny and this fucking dinosaur.

ELLIOTT
“You asked the wrong questions.” “You made some powerful enemies on the Penny bondage site.”

STUART
He followed the money trail.

ELLIOTT
I guess what you’re saying is, don’t go chasing water falls.

DAN
What I liked about this whole experience was peeling back the layers of the onion. There’s always something new to discover.

STUART
So, are you plugging being a fucking kid detective?

ELLIOTT
Let’s look at what you discovered: there’s an Inspector Gadget themed bondage porn site; and that someone has irritated the moderator of this site.

STUART
Fucking congratulations, dude.

ELLIOTT
You cracked it.

STUART
Super-sleuth McCoy.

ELLIOTT
A regular Encyclopedia Brown.

STUART
You get the fucking key to the city. Key to the internet.

ELLIOTT
It’s too bad your dad the police chief can’t tell anyone about his genius detective son.

DAN
You guys just don’t understand the beauty of what I’ve discovered.

STUART
You know when you start turning over rocks, you’re gonna find some snails.

ELLIOTT
It was a fitting story for this bad movie podcast.

DAN
But guys, seriously, I guess what I’m ultimately asking is: “what if penny met a dinosaur?”

ELLIOTT
Because that commenter…WAS ME! Bap bap baaaaaaam.

STUART
Yeah. I don’t know what would happen.

DAN
She’d probably get eaten by the dinosaur.

STUART
Well, a brontosaurus wouldn’t eat her.

DAN
Yeah. It would eat vegetables.

STUART
Unless she and fucking Brain were dressed up as, like, a tree or something.

ELLIOTT
Who knows? Maybe one of Inspector Gadget’s employees might have made that happen. Brain always had to hide in costumes. The sight of a dog would destroy him.

DAN
And then Inspector Gadget would say, “IT’S A MAD AGENT.” And then wacky hijinks would ensue.

ELLIOTT
And then Don Adams would deposit the check. At his bank account. And then go on to do some Wendy’s commercials.

DAN
Anyway. So that’s my story.

ELLIOTT
Well, it’s not really your story.

STUART
It’s part of humanity’s grander story.

ELLIOTT
That was like an H.P. Lovecraft story where someone’s reading through journal entries left behind, except instead of a monster, it was the dumbest question ever asked.

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The Happiest Millionaire’s Daughter

From the Flop House podcast, “Episode #86 – The Happiest Millionaire”, the usual gang of Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, and Stuart Wellington have a discussion about interesting hypothetical millionaires which devolves into a moment of sexual tension and mononomina:

DAN
So, this is where we recommend something, in case you don’t want to watch three hours of a story about a singing millionaire.

ELLIOTT
I don’t know why you wouldn’t.

DAN
What’s something you might have seen?

ELLIOTT
He barely spent money on anything in this movie. You expect it to be like Arthur, or something like that. Where the guy’s spending the money stupidly on crazy things.

STUART
Yeah, he’s got a solid gold car, or-

ELLIOTT
Yeah, exactly. Or solid gold hat.

STUART
Plays tennis with a giant diamond, or something.

DAN
Or solid gold hits.

ELLIOTT
Yeah. Because it’s Quincy Jones. He’s the happiest millionaire.

DAN
Probably is. I mean, he got married to Peggy Lipton…

ELLIOTT
Heir to the Lipton Ice Teas fortune.

DAN
Yeah.

ELLIOTT
His daughter is a successful actress.

DAN
Lovely woman in her own right.

ELLIOTT
Don’t get creepy.

DAN
WHAT? She’s pretty. All I’m saying is-

ELLIOTT
Stop.

DAN
She’s physically-

ELLIOTT
Do not bring her butt up, okay?

DAN
I never-

ELLIOTT
Stuart, have you ever heard this before?

STUART
It’s kinda fucking creepy, right?

ELLIOTT
Of coure.

DAN
She’s a lovely woman, I-

STUART
Can we change the way we sit when we do this?

ELLIOTT
Yes. I want to be as far from Dan as possible.

STUART
And I don’t want him to see my bottom.

DAN
I’m not making any lewd suggestions about her…I’m just saying…

ELLIOTT
It’s all in your countenance. It’s in your countenance. It’s all lewd.

STUART
It’s in your timbre [pronounced tom-bra]…or whatever you said.

DAN
Stuart, you gonna recommend something?

STUART
I am gonna recommend something, Dan. First off, Steve…

DAN
You’re gonna recommend the name Steve.

STUART
No. You know the guy Steve?

ELLIOTT
Vergotis.

STUART
I want to say, you were right. I Saw the Devil was great. Thank you.

DAN
James was his actual name. “Steve” was the name you called him by.

ELLIOTT
You think everybody is named Steve.

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Nightly Rituals

An excerpt from the always entertaining “Flop House” podcast, where the hosts, Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, and Stuart Wellington, watch a bad or questionable movie, and then talk about it; what follows is from the podcast episode devoted to the Friday the 13th re-make. When the film’s teen heroes flee the legendary killer Jason Voorhees, they encounter some eccentric characters, and this conversational tangent is devoted to these characters’ nightly behavior.

ELLIOTT
Oh, and I didn’t even mention the weird masturbator they run into. There’s a guy they run into who owns a barn with a woodchipper in it, which comes up later. And he’s really boastful, and – there’s a weird streak of characters masturbating in this? That character looks at an issue of Hustler and then starts coming onto a mannequin? And then Jason kills him.

DAN
He also licks the issue of Hustler.

ELLIOTT
He licks the issue of Hustler, and then says “Do you like that?” to the magazine.

STUART
He did start smoking weed though, which is usually what I do when I smoke weed.

ELLIOTT
It’s just like the scene in Zapped! when the guy hallucinates from smoking weed. And then, later, one of the characters, the character who doesn’t have a girl to match up with and isn’t dead yet in the cabin, he gets high, and he’s like, “Well. Guess I’ll masturbate to something.” Pulls out a box of tissues, then picks up a J. Crew catalog, or a Land’s End catalog? And flips to an image of a woman in her mid to late thirties wearing a sweater and slacks. And goes, “Alright. This is it.”

DAN
I found this very interesting. Because, apparently, one has to believe that he masturbates every night at 10:30, exactly. Because it wasn’t like there was something that turned him on, there’s no one around, I guess what I’m gonna do…he’s like “Oh well, geez. Gotta masturbate. Whatta we got here? Oh, well. J. Crew.”

STUART
I gotta take my insulin and masturbate. That’s what he’s saying. The thing that’s concerning for me about this character is you’d think he’d have more stuff stored up in the spank bank?

DAN mmm-hmmms.

DAN
He can’t just fantasize about something in his head.

ELLIOTT
He was just watching a girl writhe around to music in very short shorts…and some kind of tight top.

STUART
I would think he’d be able to think back to…”I remember that night I was watching Big Saussage Pizza clips for four hours.”

DAN sighs.

DAN
Ah, god. We should really get some money from that web site. Because we’ve mentioned it three times now.

ELLIOTT
Just the clips. He’s just watching Brazzers previews all night.

STUART
He knocks a quick one out, then his friend shows up, and he helps him kill Jason. Now, he runs around with a boner on.

ELLIOTT
It’s a trenchant message on the lack of imagination in today’s youth.

STUART
I agree.

DAN
And the sexiness of LL Bean catalogs.

ELLIOTT
They’ve been desensitized by the media and the images they’re bombarded with.

DAN
Well, apparently not, if he can get it up for a picture of a woman in a sweater.

STUART
Well, it’s that he’s so bored with everything else he’s seen, he’s like…

ELLIOTT
Yeah, he’s seen too much.

STUART
He’s like, finally, a woman that’s fully clothed…

DAN (weary)
Alright.

STUART
…turns me on.

ELLIOTT
“You know what turns me on about this? The class.” This woman’s sheer tastefulness.

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