A Great Line of Dialogue, Beautifully Delivered

The Flophouse regulars – Elliott Kalan, Dan McCoy, Stuart Wellington – go in-depth with a lost classic, Tango & Cash on “Episode #100” of the show. We join our heroes as they discuss the attempts of the two cops to break out of the prison in which they’ve been placed for crimes they didn’t commit, the helpless puppets of the criminal rajah played by Jack Palance. They’ve just avoided being killed while in jail, the kingpin looking on before vanishing from the scene with the ease of a vampire:

ELLIOTT
And then suddenly the guards rush in, right, and save them.

STUART
Right. And then Jack Palance and his cockney crony disappear into the mist.

ELLIOTT
They escape, by basically stepping behind laundry machines and disappearing.

DAN
Yeah, well, that’s why you have your big brawl in a laundry room. You don’t need smoke bombs there, there’s just so much steam from the laundry machines.

STUART
It’s a natural product of a late night laundry room.

ELLIOTT
I think that was the original title for Midnight Meat Train. It was Late Night Laundry Room.

STUART
It didn’t go over too well. Bradley Cooper vetoed it.

ELLIOTT
(a pitch perfect imitation of Bradley Cooper): “Wouldn’t it be scarier if it were on a train, a train full of meat, at midnight?” “Yeah, okay.”

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

STUART
So, then they talk about some other bullshit, and they meet Cash’s friend…

ELLIOTT
They meet Cash’s friend, the assistant warden, who’s going to help them escape. Tango says-

STUART
They haven’t even gotten out of prison yet, and we’ve been talking about this forever.

ELLIOTT
Yeah.

STUART
We wanna go over every intricate element of Tango & Cash, don’t we?

ELLIOTT
We’ll go through it a little faster. Tango doesn’t trust this guy, Cash does. Cash tries to escape, he gets caught. A bunch of the evil guards being led by Robert Zadar, “Big Face”, chase after him through huge turbines, and…this is a prison that has all these things that it doesn’t make sense why a prison would have them?

DAN
Yeah.

ELLIOTT
Such as huge turbine rooms?

DAN
This is another example of this movie being made by people who have only seen movies. “Oh, it would be cool if a prison had a big fucking fan in it.”

ELLIOTT
They’re like, “Lets have an escape through a building. Okay, what do buildings have in them, so we can build this escape? Well, we know from the movies we’ve seen that buildings have giant turbines; they have big basements full of steam and not that much else; uh, they’ve got-”

STUART
Tunnels.

ELLIOTT
They’ve got tunnels.

DAN
Always with water dripping through it.

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

ELLIOTT
It’s always raining in buildings, all the time. There’s-

STUART
Some kind of a zipline?

ELLIOTT
Electric powerlines that you can zipline across. Anyway, so, short story long story short, they escape, in the escape attempt they get beat up a lot, and Robert Zadar is electrocuted, while attacking Sylvester Stallone with a grappling hook?

STUART
Yup.

DAN
That he got somewhere.

STUART
He does not come back to life like Ernest, and Ernest Goes to Jail.

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

ELLIOTT
He doesn’t get electricity powers, is that what you’re saying?

STUART
He does not, he just gets electrocuted and dies, like a normal human being.

ELLIOTT
He doesn’t turn into the electric gremlin from Gremlins 2 and get stuck in a phone?

STUART
Nope. He’s just a dead hunk of meat.

ELLIOTT
He doesn’t get brought back to life by the electricity to become super-alive?

STUART
I mean…that might happen, but they don’t actually-

ELLIOTT
It’s not like in-

DAN
What about the movie Shocker? Is it anything like that?

STUART
Uh…you mean the start of a failed horror franchise? Yes, it is.

ELLIOTT
Is it like Friday the 13th when Jason has that pole in his chest and the lightning hits it and brings him back to life?

STUART
Uh…once again, that might happen, but it happens off-camera.

ELLIOTT
So, when I write my “The Jaw” fan-fiction, because the character is called “The Jaw”, maybe that’s how I’ll bring him back.

STUART
Yeah, I mean, of course. He blasts his way out of the Sarlac pit.

ELLIOTT
Yeah. And his last line as he dies is “TANGOOOOOOO!” Which is great. So they escape, they’re running through the streets of LA, they don’t know what to do, Cash goes to meet up with Tango’s…turns out to be his sister, Teri Hatcher, who dances at the Cleopatra club.

DAN
Also in front of a giant fan.

ELLIOTT
Yes. It’s like the set for SNL, for the musical guests, like it used to be. And to escape from there, Kurt Russell has to briefly walk through a room full of topless women, then dress like a woman, and get out. He’s almost stopped by a horny cop; who is distracted by Teri Hatcher and then comes on to Kurt Russell.

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

ELLIOTT
Uh, meanwhile Sylvester Stallone goes to the head of the police, or something?

DAN
(exasperated with the plot dynamics) I dunno.

ELLIOTT
One of the crooked cops who is high up on the force. He has the best line of the movie, in my opinion, which is: the crooked cop is pulling some cold spaghetti, a bowl of cold pasta out of the refrigerator…

STUART
Yeah, for a nosh or something.

ELLIOTT
Closes the fridge door, Sylvester Stallone is right there with a gun, and he says (the following is a pitch-perfect imitation of the actor): “Well, it’s clear from your diet you’re not counting your calories…you must be too busy COUNTING THE MONEY THEY PAID YOU TO SET US UP!” Beautifully written, beautifully delivered. Sylvester Stallone learns a little bit from him before that guy blows up.

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

I Tango through the Cash of your Tangos

(All images copyright Warner Bros.)

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