A Few Moments With Patton Oswalt

Two ancient fragments of genius from Feelin’ Kinda Patton. The following has explicit language, and this unfuckable hag makes me wince. But it made me laugh a great deal.

I’m terrified of getting married…I am. I don’t know why, man. Why am I so scared of being married? (audience inaudible) Nah, I really thought about it and I actually found the reason: Stella D’Oro Breakfast Treats. Does anyone know what I’m talking about? In the late seventies, (someone in the audience decides to say something) I’ll explain. The Stella D’Oro company put out a product called Breakfast Treats. And they’re like biscotti if you live in a trailer park. They’re these horrible, long crumbly ass cookies. They put a commercial on the air in the late seventies that is the most disturbing, horrifying fucking thing I’ve ever seen on TV. The commercial opens in…like three o’clock in the morning in this dank, David Fincheresque kitchen, and there’s this fifty-year old…just this woman, just this unfuckable hag in a housedress…sitting at a table gnawing on one of these breakfast treats. Then her husband comes trudging in and he’s got the bad combover and the shitty robe and he comes in and he goes: “WHAT’RE YOU DOIN’?!” That’s the first line of dialogue in this cookie commercial.

Patton Oswalt on Stella D’Oro breakfast treats. The Stella D’Oro ad.

Another: the Tom Carvel ice cream ads.

Like I said, I grew up in Virginia. Few things I miss about Virginia. One was the Tom Carvel ads on TV. I don’t know if you remember who Tom Carvel was. Tom Carvel owned about a dozen shitball ice cream stores up and down the east coast. And he….did these TV ads…and he did his own voice-overs, and therein lay the tragedy of Tom Carvel. ‘Cuz he had a voice that sounded like Tom Waits gargling chunks of hot asphalt, like…your spine would just turn into broken glass the second you heard it like, OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK? It’s Tom Carvel on TV!

Patton Oswalt on Tom Carvel. A Tom Carvel ad, another ad, and another.

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